Someone recently asked me:
If the Adria region were a Monopoly game, what would it look like?
Probably like the poorest version of Monopoly ever.
There would be no railway stations—except maybe in Slovenia. Waterworks and Elektra would be the most expensive properties, naturally, because good infrastructure here is a luxury. Purple properties wouldn’t exist—because who in this region can afford the equivalent of the Côte d’Azur or Geneva Square?
Most of the board would be dominated by Balkan Road and Prison, because, let’s be honest, that’s where many of our politicians belong. Not that it would matter—they’d all have at least fifty “Get Out of Jail Free” cards, since the judicial system here is more of a suggestion than a functioning institution.
Munich Street, Hamburg Boulevard, and Berlin Square would all belong to Bosnia and Herzegovina, simply because that’s the language you hear most often when you visit those cities. Brussels Street would, of course, be reserved for Croatian Prime Minister Andrej Plenković—because, let’s be honest, that’s his only long-term investment. Meanwhile, Surprise Cards would be owned by Aleksandar Vučić, because just when you think he can’t outdo himself, he surprises us all with something even dumber.
And forget about free parking—prices would increase every round.
Green properties wouldn’t exist—our politicians have no idea what “green” even means. Instead, buildings would be grey, black, or non-existent on the Adriatic coast, where the only construction rule is: put a hotel on top of another hotel and hope for the best. We also wouldn’t need dice to determine how many fields we move—our politicians already tell us exactly how much we’re allowed to move.
Honestly, this whole region feels less like Monopoly and more like Risk, where politicians treat us like pawns, constantly maneuvering us into conflicts that only benefit them. Although, if they had their way, they’d probably prefer we were all playing Don’t Get Angry—that way, they could knock us off our path to stability without us having the right to complain.
But I have a different game in mind. In Serbia, we’re starting to play something new. Maybe, just maybe, it’s time for the entire Adria region to switch to Here to Slay—a game about assembling a party of heroes and slaying monsters.
And we all know which monsters need to go first.
Meet
the Roaster
Marina Orsag
Marina Orsag is a Croatian stand-up comedian, comedy club founder, and expert in roasting both politicians and slow service at cafés. She pioneered the stand-up scene in Croatia and has performed across the Adria region and beyond. She believes that bureaucracy is just a slow-motion joke and that our politicians hold the world record for “Get Out of Jail Free” cards. This month, she takes us through Adria Monopoly – the game where the only free parking is a lie.
