ALL ROADS LEAD TO THE BALKANS — at least that’s what you’ll hear from every local, especially those who’ve never travelled anywhere else. But if you do find yourself on one of those roads, and by some twist of fate you land in a Balkan state with a problem that needs solving fast — here’s what you need to know.
First and foremost: You won’t.
Here, time is a myth. It’s not a straight line but a vague annoyance — something that exists now so that tomorrow we can say it was yesterday in some new version of now. Still, problems do get solved. How? Through a rigorous method involving meticulous planning, structured timelines, and disciplined execution.
Just kidding.
Step One: Preparations
Let’s say we need to drain an artificial lake. First, we must schedule a meeting — using the standard Balkan method:
“It’s Monday. I’ll call Tuesday or Wednesday to check if I can email you Thursday to say I’ll call Friday to tell you who you should call after the weekend, so we can meet by the end of next week and plan our first appointment sometime next month.”
That’s if things go smoothly.
Delays are inevitable. Kids need picking up, cousins are graduating (again), someone’s aunt is having a funeral and a birthday. But eventually, we get to scheduling that first meeting.
Then we begin the next phase: deciding the venue. After deep logistical analysis, we settle on the restaurant with the best food, strongest rakija, and most charming hostesses.
Time to agree on the place? A week and a half — longer if Mercury’s retrograde.
Step Two: The First Meeting
Everyone’s here — almost. One broke his leg skiing (in June), another thinks he’s being tailed by Belgian spies (sugar beet-related), and a third thought the meeting was next week.
No matter. Those present get to the serious stuff: ordering food. After seven aperitifs, we agree on lamb chops. Strong food demands strong beer — say two or three per person.
By beer number two, we reach bold conclusions:
• The problem is real
• It needs a solution
• Once we find one, the problem will be solved
Then we face the dessert dilemma: pancakes, cheesecake, or pudding? After careful debate, we make our choice. We finish, toast our progress, and celebrate a productive session.
Step Three: Making Progress
Seven months later, we’re back. This time: concrete solutions.
To the public, we simplify. “Major progress made. Problem nearly solved. Expect results soon.” If anyone asks tough questions, we explain that an expert commission has been formed and results will follow shortly — in weeks, or years at most.
Cross my heart and hope to die.
Step Four: Stretching the Process
Each meeting is a daily wage. The longer it takes, the better. If you’re lucky, you’ll retire before it’s resolved.
Step Five: Problem Solved
Eventually, the lake drains itself.
It’s been 25 years. Most original stakeholders are retired or dead. Global warming and quarry blasts triggered tectonic shifts. Problem solved — by fate, not effort.
Final Thoughts
You don’t solve problems in the Balkans. The Balkans solve themselves — in their own time, in their own way. The smart ones join a working group, sip coffee, and collect day rates.
Now that’s efficiency.